"Want an incredible side hustle where just by the sheer nature of you slapping semi-coherent words in a document, you can get thousands of followers eating up your every word? Why not try online blogging! It is simple and you CAN make money. Why, Suzie from Kansas City made $50,000 last month alone!"
Bullshit. Suzie doesn't work on Wall Street and she isn't selling illicit drugs to minors. She is sending emails for some jackass and would be lucky to clear $10 last month, let alone $50,000. The only way Suzie is touching that kind of money is via prostitution or drug running.
Is it just me, or is the internet FILLED to the FUCKING BRIM with this trite crap?
Hi there. I'm just an asshole on the internet. Today's topic: Making money by blogging like it is 20 fucking years ago. Now if you have searched for how to earn an extra buck as a side hustle (or perhaps taken a course in online marketing..) you have no doubt heard of...
THE......FUCKING........MIRACLE....
...that is online blogging. It can literally make you Jeff Bezos money. Yeah, that is right. You too can become a rich tycoon and shit in a gold toilet (or on your workers, whatever floats your boat...Jeff...). By simply slapping a few awesome words down, people will come flocking to eat your shit up...all 12 of them. Consider your money worries over. You are rich. Go buy that mansion now because success is guaranteed!
But the sad reality is the internet is....FUCKING HUGE....and filled with tons of crap for tons of people to waste time on. Honestly, most of it is more amazing than anything you can come up with. Look, a cat is playing a keyboard...
But if you INSIST on trying, you will need something to write about. Pick a category and stick with that. You can write a BLOG about creating a BLOG. That technically is an infinite loop right there. Or perhaps your strength is sports writing. Go ahead, I'm sure everyone will flock to your latest LeBron James hot take! Perhaps he said something controversial? Must be Tuesday! Politics is always popular, but then again these days you might prefer your car windows not be broken. Whatever the category you choose, just make sure to keep writing until your fingers bleed out on the keyboard.
There are literally thousands upon thousands of blogs writing every day about the money you too can make by writing a blog. Why, there must literally be tens of dollars you can make by writing your own blog....a brief pause to soak in the irony.
THE REALITY:
Your writing sucks and is boring. I mean you SHOULD have realized that by Middle School when your English teacher gave you a C on your creative writing assignment that was soaked in a suspiciously generous amount of red ink (pro tip, slit your wrist down the middle instead of from side to side). It is not your fault that your English teacher tried to off herself. Do you have any idea just HOW MANY papers she read about "the goodest thing I've evah done" before she eyed that letter opener like the sweet escape of death it surely was? Sure she had 20 cats. Sure her husband bailed on her after Mr Twinkles tried to take his eye out in a midnight reenactment of King Lear...by 20 cats and a 50 year old. "Its me or the cats Mary." What an ass. Still, your grammar sucked and that is the real reason you had a substitute teacher for the rest of that year. I think a high five may be in order?
Still whatever you write is bound to get some attention...maybe. I mean, after the average user is finished jackin off to their favorite e-girl on onlyfans and then watches his favorite youtubers and finishes live streaming their favorite gamers...then finishes playing games...then finishes watching a movie...then catches up on their favorite show...maybe...there will be time to read your blog...but MAN, I have to READ?
And that brings me to the next problem with Blogging...it's a FUCKING HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. Back in the old days of 1995, you could find people to read things like a newspaper or song lyrics or a fucking fortune cookie ("The Future is Gonna Suck" was surprisingly accurate). Now do people under 30 even know their ABC's? It's amazing they can breathe on their own without someone constantly telling them they need to inhale ever few seconds. Now you want them to read a paragraph?
The irony is that image is from the last time you COULD get someone to read a paragraph. Now ask them to read THIS article. Good luck. There must be 7 freaking paragraphs here. Who the hell would waste their time reading it?
SUMMARY:
Life sucks and you are all gonna die...most likely poor while rich connected assholes on Wall Street steal all of your money so they can snort blow off a stripper's breast. Those guys blow 3x your monthly budget on a whim, which is fine because they will just go back to the pot and steal more from you the next day. The minute you find something that will make you some extra money, some asshole will move in and steal it all from you. Then the media will work overtime to make you the bad guy while those POOR INNOCENT HEDGE FUND BILLIONAIRES are the true victims.
So go ahead. Work on building that critical audience even though your odds of winning the lottery are probably significantly better.
